Sunday, December 7, 2014

Mental State and Heartbreak


In this post I am going to write about how when you are in a low place in your life, your self worth and mental state are very vulnerable.  You are searching for something good and positive in your life and because you are so desperate you might make a really bad decision.  I am going to talk about my really bad decision that I made in hopes that I can hopefully help someone not make the same mistake.

At the end of August I had been getting restless and decided to join a gym.  This wasn’t really in my budget, but my SANITY needed it.  I needed to be by people and I needed to work out to feel better and to get back into shape.  Joining the gym was both the best and worst decision I made this summer. 

It was the best because I was able to lose the extra 10 pounds I had gained this summer due to stress of losing my job and the lack of running due to my injuries. Also having interactions with people on a daily basis has helped a lot so I am not just sitting home alone.  The reason I say it was the worst is because I met the head trainer, Edgar, who would go on to date me, temporarily move in with me, and basically be my first boyfriend. All sounds good right? Well it wasn’t.  Edgar was a very verbally abusive person who used me, constantly lied to me and cheated on me. 

I am a very strong personality and I love myself.  But the way being unemployed makes one feel “less than” or “not good enough”.  I think that is why I let Edgar into my life when I normally would not have.  After being so low in life I was grasping for anything GOOD in my life and I thought that would be him.  At first it was how things were supposed to be – flirting, talking all the time, thinking about each other, etc.  Then after two weeks of seeing each other he texts me one Sunday morning saying that he was kicked out of the place he was living and asked if he could stay with me for awhile.  This caught me off guard – but after finding out that his homelessness was due to an argument and nothing illegal I said he could move in.  I really liked him and thought why not, he was at my place most nights anyway.

Things moved south after a few weeks of him being here.  First off I didn’t think he would be here this long, but I did not mind the company so I let things slide.  I was just telling myself that relationships are work and I cherished the good moments that we had.  But then he would start calling me “lazy”, “jiggly Jan”, “flabby Flo” and numerous other names that made me feel inferior.  He would make comments about my body, like suggesting I needed implants because boobs were just fat. (Note I have C cups on a 4 ft 10 in body – I am already ALL boob) When we went out to eat if I ordered something wrong/unhealthy I would be harassed for it for days – he said it was for my own good so I would make “good decisions” on what to eat.  I would constantly do whatever I could for him to make him happy.  I did his laundry, cleaned the apartment, cooked him dinners that he liked, gave him a ride to work when it snowed, made him lunches, let him drive my car when we went out, etc.  I never complained and I basically became his good little housewife.

There were a lot of things wrong with this “relationship” and I knew it. I would talk to my friends and family about stuff and they urged me to dump him and kick him out.  I was in denial and said “You don’t know about the good moments we have” or something like that.  Eventually I stopped talking about things with them and keeping them all inside mostly because I didn’t know what to do.  How do you ask to take space from someone who basically decided they were now living with you until they say so?  How do I ask him to move out without ruining the whole relationship?  I tried to help him find an apartment, but my attempts were not met by any action or attempt to move on his part.  So I tried to make the best out of the situation for as long as I could. 

One thing all of my friends who have been cheated on always say is to trust your gut.  I did eventually trust it and found out he was cheating on me.  One morning I checked his phone because he had been texting with someone late into the night again the night before and also very early in the morning.  I found that he had been sexting this other women while he was in bed with me and that disgusting person had known about me and still sent him multiple nude pictures the night prior.  I had to read about their upcoming rendezvous, which was to be that night.  The things I read and saw will forever make me sick.  How could a person be this evil to do this to me??  As soon as he left for work I threw his things out and texted him breaking it off with him and letting him knew that I knew he was sleeping with that other women.  He basically said it was my fault for him sleeping with her and said a lot of other crap I don’t want to think about ever again. I know that it was not my fault and I did nothing wrong except to trust that horrible person.
 
My word of advice is DON’T LET ANYONE EVER TREAT YOU LIKE SHIT.  Even if you feel that you don’t deserve any better YOU DO.  After this all I started talking to my friends and family again about the things he would say or do to me and they would ask me “Do you know that you were in an abusive relationship?” and I now say yes.  Everyone was surprised to hear the things I put up with because that does not sound like me.  I usually do not take crap from people and I love who I am and know that I am a good person.  WHY? Why did I let someone come into my life who subjected me to such scrutiny over my body, who basically told me I was not good enough, who used me for his self interest when he cared little about me?  The only reason I can think of is because I already was not myself from being unemployed and I already felt worthless and rejected.  I lived for those brief moments of happiness, for the one compliment he would give me, a smile, a hug, a cute text, anything that was positive.

None of those things were worth it.  Breaking up with him was far overdue and I do not regret throwing him out of my life.  I now understand the things he was doing to me mentally because I had already been weak and I am repairing myself to make me LINDSAY again.  I am a strong, confident, amazing, loyal, witty, honest, loving and special person and I fully intend to find that women and make her whole. I know it will take time to heal, and I never plan on forgiving him, but I will learn from this and I will become a better person because I know I can handle it.

During this time of your unemployment, please make sure that you aren’t being taken advantage of.  Though those moments of happiness make your whole day or week seem better, you are better off without them.  Don’t let anyone make this time any harder than it needs to be.  Find the people and things that love you for who YOU are and are there to support you and stick with them.  They will be the people that keep you from destroying yourself.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

This will make me humbled….


Sometimes life takes you in a direction that you have no control over.  No I am not pregnant and nor did someone die, but I did lose my job of six years this past July.

I have not been on my blog for awhile, but now I am back. Today I am going to give you a brief story of what I have been going through since my involuntary unemployment.  In future posts I am going to talk about dealing with the Unemployment Office, searching for jobs and getting interviews, how being unemployed messes with your mental state and any other experiences I encounter. I have been pretty private about what I have been dealing with, but I figured it was about time to share what I have been going through.  This whole experience has made be a bit more humbled than I have been in the past.

I have been a Public Relations contractor for over six years and I have a degree in Communication Studies with a minor in Mass Communications.  Due to contractual issues with our client our contract was put on hold and has not currently been renewed.  I loved my job, I worked harder than most people in my company and I gave my blood, sweat and tears into it.  So when my boss told us that we would be without jobs that next week my heart broke.

We knew it was a possibility and I had been trying to do my due diligence to make sure that I would be ok if we did lose the contract.  I had saved a good chunk of money (which I had been hoping to use for a down payment on a house) and I had been looking for another job.  The job search was harder than I thought it would be and I came up empty handed to find a suitable replacement for my job.

I would also like to add to this story that I found out in early July that the pain I had in my foot/leg was caused by a dislocated Cuboid bone in my foot. The bone became dislocated after I ran my fourth half marathon in May, I did not know that is what it was so I had been walking/running/hiking on a dislocated bone for almost two months which then also led me to have tendinitis in my achilles and peroneal tendons. Running is what I do for therapy and so that I am able to eat yummy food, but one can't run with a dislocated bone and tendinitis so I was forced to stop running for a few months.

It sounded like that the contract issues would be temporary and that we would be back before we knew it.  Okay so this was basically mandatory time off? Most people would think GREAT, but not me.  I am the type of person who works a part time job on top of her full time job just because I like to stay busy. So I forced myself to relax a little…well kind of.  I watched an unhealthy amount of Netflix, read a lot and even flew home to spend some time with my family.  Also I had been applying to any and every job that I could do and getting very few interviews.

Well now it has been five months and our contract is still being pushed back for another reason, I have still been unsuccessful at finding a job, I gained 10 pounds this summer from my injury excluding me from running and then stress eating.  Out of all of this horrible experience, like I said in the beginning I am going to use this blog to write about my time during my unemployment, discuss things that have been good and bad, experiences that I have had, projects I have worked on during this time off and many other things.

I hope that my story reaches someone and see that they are not alone.  Yes this situation we are in sucks hugely and I am not trying to say it doesn’t.  But hey, I’m here, you’re there and maybe we can find some peace in this crap position we are in.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

No Bones About it...its Almost HALLOWEEN!

I love Halloween - not just the dressing up or because my birthday is right before BUT all of it!  The sweater season, the cold/cloudy days, SOUP, etc.  So I decided to celebrate this time of year with making some candy to share with my friends.  Found this cute recipe (on Pinterest, original site here http://inspireco.blogspot.com/2011/10/dem-bones.html ) and thought I would try it out!

Bone Candies

What you will need:
Bag of Marshmallows
Bag of 'sticks'' pretzels
1 lb of white almond bark

Sauce pan
Metal bowl (that fits in your sauce pan)
Wax paper
Pan
Fork 
Mason Jars

Start with getting your marshmallows and pretzels out.  I would suggest pulling the marshmallows apart because it helps speeds things up.


Take and put one marshmallow on either end of the pretzel.  As I was making them I put them onto wax paper so the marshmallows did not stick to anything else. I made about 160 of these, which only used about 1/2 of both bags.  If you have kids this would be a great job for them to do!


When you have all of the pretzel/marshmallows put together start to heat your chocolate.  I do not have a double boiler so I made a make shift one.  Use a saucepan and put in water so it will just touch your bowl.  Bring the water to a boil, then turn it down.  Put your bowl in the pan and put the chocolate in and let it melt.  Keep stirring it, it will help melt it.  (NOTE:  If your bowl keeps bubbling up and steam keeps escaping turn down the heat on the water - it doesn't have to keep boiling just has to keep the bowl warm)


When the chocolate is melted drop in one of the pretzel/marshmallow's in and use a fork to cover it.  Once it is full of chocolate pick up the bone in the middle using the fork and let the excess chocolate drip off.  (You can put more than one bone in at a time, but I found if I did it one at a time I only covered the bone with as much chocolate as it needed and didn't waste any of the chocolate)


After the excess chocolate dripped off put the covered bone on a pan with wax paper.  


When the pan is full I then moved it over to my table and slid the wax paper full of bones there to dry and covered the pan again with wax paper to continue dipping my bones.  Continue this process until all of your chocolate is used.

    

The bones dried pretty quickly, I would say about 20-30 minutes.  I then put them into mason jars (that I got for a $1 at the Dollar Store) and gave them to my friends!


I hope you enjoy making these (and eating them!) as much as I did!  They were a big hit!  This is a fun, easy and cheap project to do if you are in a 'crafty' mood like I was.  I hope you have a great Halloween!


Saturday, September 8, 2012

Allure Studio

My Mom owns two studio's back in Wisconsin.  Maybe I am a little biased but she does GREAT work!!!  My sister now works with her and she does hair and makeup for some of the photo shoots.

When I went home last week and they put me to work!  Our photo shoot was inspired by Zooey Deschanel - who just happens to be one of my style icons!  Here are some photo's that we did!




Do yourself a favor and check out their Web site (http://www.nowandthenphotography.net/), their Blog (http://blog.allure-studio.net/) and/or their FaceBook page (http://www.facebook.com/allurestudio314).  If you are in Wisconsin or Minnesota give them a call!  

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Dollar Store!

I saw a post on Pinterest the other day about things you should and should not buy at the Dollar Store - I thought it was a great post!  I myself go to the Dollar Store more often than I thought I ever would!  In my younger days I thought it made me look cheap or poor, but now I think it makes me look smart!  As a single gal trying to budget, shopping at the Dollar Store is a great thing!  Why pay $4 for a thing of baggies when I can get the same thing but for $1!

So the last time I was shopping I decided to take some pictures of things that I buy on a pretty frequent basis or things I now usually buy from there.

You can get 6 clothes hangers for $1 - that makes each hanger .16 cents!


I don't have kids or usually have to clean up real messy things so these off brand paper towels and napkins work great!


I love buying cards from the Dollar Store!  They are cute and you can get some really nice ones - best part is they are TWO for a $1!


I now only buy gift bags and wrapping paper from the Dollar Store.  They have a great selection and I don't feel like wrapping a gift costs as much as the present!


I have a cat, which means I have a litter box.  Air fresheners are something I need!  Again the Dollar Store pulls through and for a $1 I can make that closet smell like an Apple Orchard instead of poo.


Same brand as the grocery stores - but a heck of a lot cheaper!  I used to only use baggies when I absolutely needed them because I hated how much they were.  Now since I can get them for a $1 I don't feel guilty when I use them!  (Side note: Don't get the "Sandwich" baggies they are very thin - keep to the storage ones)


Reynolds Wrap is about $3 at Walmart - here it is the same thing for $1!


Lets say you are going to a party and you are bringing some food, but you really don't want to use one of your nice plates.  Go to the Dollar Store and get a plate that will get the job done for $1!  And this way if you end up leaving before the party is done you won't feel bad leaving the plate there.


In college I acquired most of my tupperware through thievery - what I mean is if people gave me food to bring home their tupperware didn't usually make it back to them…(Sorry Mom!)

The Dollar Store has some great choices for good tupperware!  If you are sending cookies to a deployed solider you can spend more on the cookies and not have to worry about spending too much for the tupperware!


I have a dishwasher so I don't tend to use dish soap that often, so I really could not justify pay $3-$4 for it.  But for $1 I can use all my hearts desire when I do have to hand wash things!  (Side note:  Stick to the name brands on dish soap.  The off brands here don't work as well) 


So whether you are a college student living on next to nothing or just someone who is trying to live on a budget to save money, the Dollar Store is a GREAT place to go!  Its a great feeling when you go to the check out and the 10 items you got comes to $10 and not $30!  Happy Shopping!

Thursday, July 5, 2012

4th of July!

I went home this past week to help with my Ma's Open House for the new studio!  We worked the Open House a good portion of the time but we had some fun in-between working!  It was also our town days (coupled with the 4th of July) so there were things going on around town.  I thought I would share some pictures of the good times we had!

I got to spend some good quality time with my puppies Ben and Beame!


My Dad and Brother competed in the Annual Canoe Races and got 2nd out of 15 teams!


Went fishing!  Gave Vivy her birthday present for her 2nd birthday - She loved her Cabbage Patch baby doll!


Had some great family time!  It was good to be home and surrounded by loved ones!


It is always sad to leave home, but I know I have a loving family that supports me and my decisions (even if they want me to live closer!) and I know they will be there no matter what.  And because of that I am the luckiest girl in the world : )

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Healthy-ish food?

I have been on a bit of a health kick lately - mostly trying not to have too much bread in my diet, exercising, cutting back on pop/soda and junk food, etc…And I have found a lot of great recipes on the internet (Ahem..Pinterest..Ahem…)  Today I made some Oatmeal muffins for my breakfasts for the next week and a lovely side dish made of tomatoes, potatoes, zucchini and squash to go with my chicken.  I thought I would share the yummy albeit healthy meals!  And these are 'heathly' to my standards : )

Oatmeal Muffins
Instead of making oatmeal for breakfast every morning I can now just have an already made yummy oatmeal muffin!  I made three different kinds (the batter makes A LOT) chocolate chip, apple and butterscotch.  The other variations I used were that I used honey and almond milk, added some peanut butter and I let them cook for 35 minutes.



Summer Vegetable Tian

What does one eat with plain chicken?  Lately green beens would have been my answer, but now this lovely summer vegetable tian will be!  It was quick and easy to make, and very filling!  I made one change - I didn't have Thyme (and didn't want to spend $5 on a jar of it) so I put Rosemary and Sage on it.




I really liked these two recipes and love that food can be good for you and taste good!  It is hard trying to eat well and it is easy to run out of ideas to what to cook instead of going out for fast food, but I hope you decide to make a healthy dish next time instead of going to McDonald's!