Sunday, December 7, 2014

Mental State and Heartbreak

In this post I am going to write about how when you are in a low place in your life, your self worth and mental state are very vulnerable.  You are searching for something good and positive in your life and because you are so desperate you might make a really bad decision.  I am going to talk about my really bad decision that I made in hopes that I can hopefully help someone not make the same mistake.

At the end of August I had been getting restless and decided to join a gym.  This wasn’t really in my budget, but my SANITY needed it.  I needed to be by people and I needed to work out to feel better and to get back into shape.  Joining the gym was both the best and worst decision I made this summer. 

It was the best because I was able to lose the extra 10 pounds I had gained this summer due to stress of losing my job and the lack of running due to my injuries. Also having interactions with people on a daily basis has helped a lot so I am not just sitting home alone.  The reason I say it was the worst is because I met the head trainer, Edgar, who would go on to date me, temporarily move in with me, and basically be my first boyfriend. All sounds good right? Well it wasn’t.  Edgar was a very verbally abusive person who used me, constantly lied to me and cheated on me. 

I am a very strong personality and I love myself.  But the way being unemployed makes one feel “less than” or “not good enough”.  I think that is why I let Edgar into my life when I normally would not have.  After being so low in life I was grasping for anything GOOD in my life and I thought that would be him.  At first it was how things were supposed to be – flirting, talking all the time, thinking about each other, etc.  Then after two weeks of seeing each other he texts me one Sunday morning saying that he was kicked out of the place he was living and asked if he could stay with me for awhile.  This caught me off guard – but after finding out that his homelessness was due to an argument and nothing illegal I said he could move in.  I really liked him and thought why not, he was at my place most nights anyway.

Things moved south after a few weeks of him being here.  First off I didn’t think he would be here this long, but I did not mind the company so I let things slide.  I was just telling myself that relationships are work and I cherished the good moments that we had.  But then he would start calling me “lazy”, “jiggly Jan”, “flabby Flo” and numerous other names that made me feel inferior.  He would make comments about my body, like suggesting I needed implants because boobs were just fat. (Note I have C cups on a 4 ft 10 in body – I am already ALL boob) When we went out to eat if I ordered something wrong/unhealthy I would be harassed for it for days – he said it was for my own good so I would make “good decisions” on what to eat.  I would constantly do whatever I could for him to make him happy.  I did his laundry, cleaned the apartment, cooked him dinners that he liked, gave him a ride to work when it snowed, made him lunches, let him drive my car when we went out, etc.  I never complained and I basically became his good little housewife.

There were a lot of things wrong with this “relationship” and I knew it. I would talk to my friends and family about stuff and they urged me to dump him and kick him out.  I was in denial and said “You don’t know about the good moments we have” or something like that.  Eventually I stopped talking about things with them and keeping them all inside mostly because I didn’t know what to do.  How do you ask to take space from someone who basically decided they were now living with you until they say so?  How do I ask him to move out without ruining the whole relationship?  I tried to help him find an apartment, but my attempts were not met by any action or attempt to move on his part.  So I tried to make the best out of the situation for as long as I could. 

One thing all of my friends who have been cheated on always say is to trust your gut.  I did eventually trust it and found out he was cheating on me.  One morning I checked his phone because he had been texting with someone late into the night again the night before and also very early in the morning.  I found that he had been sexting this other women while he was in bed with me and that disgusting person had known about me and still sent him multiple nude pictures the night prior.  I had to read about their upcoming rendezvous, which was to be that night.  The things I read and saw will forever make me sick.  How could a person be this evil to do this to me??  As soon as he left for work I threw his things out and texted him breaking it off with him and letting him knew that I knew he was sleeping with that other women.  He basically said it was my fault for him sleeping with her and said a lot of other crap I don’t want to think about ever again. I know that it was not my fault and I did nothing wrong except to trust that horrible person.
My word of advice is DON’T LET ANYONE EVER TREAT YOU LIKE SHIT.  Even if you feel that you don’t deserve any better YOU DO.  After this all I started talking to my friends and family again about the things he would say or do to me and they would ask me “Do you know that you were in an abusive relationship?” and I now say yes.  Everyone was surprised to hear the things I put up with because that does not sound like me.  I usually do not take crap from people and I love who I am and know that I am a good person.  WHY? Why did I let someone come into my life who subjected me to such scrutiny over my body, who basically told me I was not good enough, who used me for his self interest when he cared little about me?  The only reason I can think of is because I already was not myself from being unemployed and I already felt worthless and rejected.  I lived for those brief moments of happiness, for the one compliment he would give me, a smile, a hug, a cute text, anything that was positive.

None of those things were worth it.  Breaking up with him was far overdue and I do not regret throwing him out of my life.  I now understand the things he was doing to me mentally because I had already been weak and I am repairing myself to make me LINDSAY again.  I am a strong, confident, amazing, loyal, witty, honest, loving and special person and I fully intend to find that women and make her whole. I know it will take time to heal, and I never plan on forgiving him, but I will learn from this and I will become a better person because I know I can handle it.

During this time of your unemployment, please make sure that you aren’t being taken advantage of.  Though those moments of happiness make your whole day or week seem better, you are better off without them.  Don’t let anyone make this time any harder than it needs to be.  Find the people and things that love you for who YOU are and are there to support you and stick with them.  They will be the people that keep you from destroying yourself.

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